When Falling In Love Again Becomes Scary

When was the last time you have fallen in love?

My two-year relationship ended last 2009. And I have never fallen in love again since then.

My previous love affair was my first serious relationship.  It was one of the best times of my life until traumatic events occurred. My partner would surprisingly attempt to break up with me every time jealousy finds a way to him. And this happened at a time when my love for him was so enormous that losing him would seem the end of the world for me.  I would end up disturbed at home and during my office hours. I would find myself pleading him not to end our relationship. This happened around 5 to 6 times within the two-year partnership.

When the relationship ended, I felt relieved and thought I walked out with so much lessons learned--lessons I will be able to use with my next love affair. But the more I keep those lessons, the more  I am scared of ending up in a more traumatic relationship.  I kept wondering why after almost four years now, my interest of developing a serious liking to a prospect partner has diminished.  Could it be that I am now more critical of finding a partner? Or  Maybe the right person for me has not yet come. Or am I suffering from a more serious thing  which  author Richard B. Ross called Love Trauma Syndrome?

According to Richard B. Ross in his book  THE LOVE TRAUMA SYNDROME: FREE YOURSELF FROM THE PAIN OF A BROKEN HEART, a love trauma is the result of a perceived threat to a desired love relationship and that the greater the desire for the relationship to continue, the more severe the love trauma.  Richard Ross articulated that the more “in love” someone is, the greater the risk of a resulting love trauma syndrome if the relationship dissolves.

Two of the many symptoms of love trauma syndrome according to author Richard B. Ross would include expectation that future romantic relationships will end up in betrayal, disappointments, emotional pain or unhappiness and a diminished ability to experience loving feelings, fall in love; or a fear, apprehension, revulsion at the thought of falling in love.

In one of his articles Richard Ross stressed  that while some clinicians and researchers might still believe that love traumas lead to trivial conditions not worthy of attention by mental health resources  it  is in fact a potentially serious mental health condition that deserves increased attention. 

But while this scary thing may seem hard to heal, Richard Ross offers 10 easy  ways to recover from Love Trauma Syndrome. Here are his recommendations:

1. Recognize that romantic breakups can be traumatic and that your feeling devastated – even for a long time—is nothing to be ashamed of.

2. Do not wallow.  Commit to an active stance – exercise, go to museums, movies, try to have fun.

3. “Fake it till you make it”

4. Accept the wound – it will no tkill you.  Remember that Love Trauma Syndrome is a brain condition that takes time to heal.

5. Stop being upset about being so upset – it’s ok that you are upset.

6. Search for what you can learn from your experience – pull some victory from the defeat.

7. Resist the “psychological gravity” of your brain that generates urges to punish and seek revenge.

8. Do not withdraw from others -- maintain contacts with friends, relatives, acquaintances. Remain socially involved. Let some of them know that you're suffering.

9. Listen to popular music -- e.g. the radio is filled with songs that touch on almost every nuance of love trauma.  such "music therapy" can be cathartic and diminish your sense of isolation.

10. Live in the present.  Take up a recreational sport, such as biking or skiing, that requires your full attention and is able to shift your attention from your misery.. But don't do anything potentially dangerous -- remember that you might be more accident prone when you are sufferrng from Love Trauma Syndrome.  Be careful.

Richard Ross advises " If your depression and upset are pervasive and you are exhausted but still can't sleep, do not hesitate to seek help from a trained professional. Love Trauma Syndrome can be more serious than many people realize."

May we fall in love again and feel the magic every love brings!