When Falling In Love Again Becomes Scary

When was the last time you have fallen in love?

My two-year relationship ended last 2009. And I have never fallen in love again since then.

My previous love affair was my first serious relationship.  It was one of the best times of my life until traumatic events occurred. My partner would surprisingly attempt to break up with me every time jealousy finds a way to him. And this happened at a time when my love for him was so enormous that losing him would seem the end of the world for me.  I would end up disturbed at home and during my office hours. I would find myself pleading him not to end our relationship. This happened around 5 to 6 times within the two-year partnership.

When the relationship ended, I felt relieved and thought I walked out with so much lessons learned--lessons I will be able to use with my next love affair. But the more I keep those lessons, the more  I am scared of ending up in a more traumatic relationship.  I kept wondering why after almost four years now, my interest of developing a serious liking to a prospect partner has diminished.  Could it be that I am now more critical of finding a partner? Or  Maybe the right person for me has not yet come. Or am I suffering from a more serious thing  which  author Richard B. Ross called Love Trauma Syndrome?

According to Richard B. Ross in his book  THE LOVE TRAUMA SYNDROME: FREE YOURSELF FROM THE PAIN OF A BROKEN HEART, a love trauma is the result of a perceived threat to a desired love relationship and that the greater the desire for the relationship to continue, the more severe the love trauma.  Richard Ross articulated that the more “in love” someone is, the greater the risk of a resulting love trauma syndrome if the relationship dissolves.

Two of the many symptoms of love trauma syndrome according to author Richard B. Ross would include expectation that future romantic relationships will end up in betrayal, disappointments, emotional pain or unhappiness and a diminished ability to experience loving feelings, fall in love; or a fear, apprehension, revulsion at the thought of falling in love.

In one of his articles Richard Ross stressed  that while some clinicians and researchers might still believe that love traumas lead to trivial conditions not worthy of attention by mental health resources  it  is in fact a potentially serious mental health condition that deserves increased attention. 

But while this scary thing may seem hard to heal, Richard Ross offers 10 easy  ways to recover from Love Trauma Syndrome. Here are his recommendations:

1. Recognize that romantic breakups can be traumatic and that your feeling devastated – even for a long time—is nothing to be ashamed of.

2. Do not wallow.  Commit to an active stance – exercise, go to museums, movies, try to have fun.

3. “Fake it till you make it”

4. Accept the wound – it will no tkill you.  Remember that Love Trauma Syndrome is a brain condition that takes time to heal.

5. Stop being upset about being so upset – it’s ok that you are upset.

6. Search for what you can learn from your experience – pull some victory from the defeat.

7. Resist the “psychological gravity” of your brain that generates urges to punish and seek revenge.

8. Do not withdraw from others -- maintain contacts with friends, relatives, acquaintances. Remain socially involved. Let some of them know that you're suffering.

9. Listen to popular music -- e.g. the radio is filled with songs that touch on almost every nuance of love trauma.  such "music therapy" can be cathartic and diminish your sense of isolation.

10. Live in the present.  Take up a recreational sport, such as biking or skiing, that requires your full attention and is able to shift your attention from your misery.. But don't do anything potentially dangerous -- remember that you might be more accident prone when you are sufferrng from Love Trauma Syndrome.  Be careful.

Richard Ross advises " If your depression and upset are pervasive and you are exhausted but still can't sleep, do not hesitate to seek help from a trained professional. Love Trauma Syndrome can be more serious than many people realize."

May we fall in love again and feel the magic every love brings!

The Journey to Letting Go

The most difficult consequence of breaking up is letting go.

Not being able to let go because you still feel for a person is the hardest of all. But when you start to sense you are trapped in the cobwebs of false hopes, letting go is not anymore an option - it is the only sensible thing to do.

In a “break-up” situation where your partner is completely fallen out of love, refusing to move on and to face chances of falling in love again under the thought of never finding another person better than a former lover is perhaps one of the most stupid things you can do. You see, when you feed your thoughts the idea that no one is better than your ex and that someday you can rekindle the broken relationship, any opportunity of falling in love to a new one is denied of you. In other words, you are putting your love life in a “freeze-loving” stage thereby piling up your lost opportunities of finding someone better and denying yourself of a happy life.  If this happens to you, sharpen your ears so you will hear the thumping of the spirit of letting go.

Letting go is not easy. That is given. The road is long and dreary. But there are shortcuts to it. Open-mindedness is one. When you open your mind to the reality that life has to continue after a blurry episode, you begin to shorten the journey. When you open your mind to the possibility that something better can take place, you start to narrow the gap between pain and healing. And sooner you will reach the cornerstone where new love stories are made.

But how do you know letting go is already at hand? When uttering the name of your ex doesn’t taste bitter to the tongue anymore, you know the journey is ending. When memories of the past become simply a page of a story written and read, you know the haunting is almost over. But be very careful with the way  you stride the last steps of the journey.  It is at this point where truth rears its ugly face - the truth that you have fooled yourself all through the way. Meaning you can always fool yourself while gliding the path to letting go. When you say you have moved on but vowed never to see that person again, you have fooled yourself along the way.

 Letting go has nothing to do with forgetting the person you intend to let go. Letting go is embracing the whole of that person and acknowledging the lessons you both learned together. In other words, it is only when you are able to say “thank you for coming into my life and for the lessons I have learned along with you” with all honesty and gratefulness that you have truly reached the end of the journey.

I am sharing to you the poem I made when I found out my former partner decided to shut all connections he has with me. I respect that decision. And I have no resentment whatsoever except to conclude he has never reached the journey to letting go.

A Blissful Deliverance

You really think you have ended all

The face, the voice, the memories, the call

I tell you unless you embrace the whole of me you’ll never walk tall

Even if you go pretending released, you are still bound to fall.

And how is it that you suddenly hate everything of me?

How could you have forgotten your torment I have aided to flee?

Is it because of the cut I created when I started to see?

 That life would be lovelier if, in the end, it is not you and me.

If you let go of me, let go with compassion and justice

Not with hate not with loathing but with goodness,

Let’s leave each other’s dream and grasp each other’s mess

Not with vengeance but with fondness, with peace none the less.

So forgive now and stop chasing this dreary run

And I promise to whisper to the wind when it crosses the sun

The words that will fill the song you have kept undone

And only then you will truly feel what it is to have blissfully forgone.

Loving Differently: Opening our Perspective to Homosexual Realities

In a homosexual world, to love and being loved in return are realities that hit us all - two facts that never get outdated and put us at the losing end most of the time. There may be techniques to finding our one true love and getting loved in return but I have yet to find a time-honoured method that really works lifelong.

My personal experience on this issue perhaps would permit me to share theories and facts that would shed some light to these seemingly perennial matters of the hearts. I once dreamed, triumphed and failed on a relationship. I know this does not give me the authority to say words for others but it definitely gives me the privilege to be an inspiration for my tribe. We need not browse all the secrets- to -a –lasting- relationship books.  All we need is just to get hold of the basic. First, know yourself.  And if you are lucky enough to settle into a relationship, be faithful and committed. Lastly, practice contentment.

Fall for the Right Person

Being gay is being funny. But being funny is not synonymous with being silly. The funny thing with some of us homosexual is that we seem to be ignorant about our race. First things first: If we do not realize who we are, then we consequently do not know who our targets should be. Gays are not for straight people. Dr Margie Holmes was serious when she said in her book A Different Kind of Love (being gay in the Philippines) that longing and ultimately getting into a relationship with  someone  is understandable aspirations and certainly attainable, but not if, automatically it is with  a “straight” man who, when push came to shove, would instinctively prefer a woman to us. If we start to identify the target as straight, according to Dr Holmes, we are automatically on the role of supplicant and not equal and we are at the losing end.

Let’s face it. We have for one instance experienced how it is to fall for a straight guy. And we know every end of our story because straight people have predictable moves – to settle for a fellow straight and leave us in dismay.

Commit to be Faithful with your Partner

Every couple is vulnerable, homosexuals and heterosexuals alike. When in a serious gay relationship, committing to practice monogamy is almost always impossible. But this issue is not to be taken within the context of being a homosexual. Being faithful is not a matter of sexual orientation. It is a matter of attitude, an affair of values and a question of perspective.

Being faithful is being fair to your partner. And with fairness, there is justice. Every relationship that is founded in the spirit of justice is likely to last. Why?  Because both parties will have no drive to offend each other. Each party is driven by the urge to make the other party happy.

When we commit ourselves to someone, we devote ourselves and pledge to stay with that person no matter what. It goes to say that we obligate to excuse ourselves with whatever inducement that may turn up.  However, because gay couples cannot marry and majority of them can neither openly hold hands in public or kiss or hug or display some acts of affection openly (although some are doing these overtly) , the relationship becomes so pressured (unknowingly) making them  more predisposed to giving in to the temptation of the flesh.  But still, couples are given choices: To give in to the enticement or to live up to their commitment. Most of the time being faithful is synonymous to long-lasting relationship. If we learn to live by this value, we are safe to trek the road less travelled – the road to a happy and lasting relationship.

Contentment Wraps up Everything

I love what Solomon Ibn Gabirol, the great Hebrew poet-philosopher, had to say on the issue of contentment. “Who seeks more than he needs, hinders himself from enjoying what he has.  Seek what you need and give up what you need not.  For in giving what you don’t need, you’ll learn what you really do need.”  Stop thinking you’ll be better off with someone else. And when you do, your mind stops to marvel what it feels to be in another arms and you start to be blissfully grateful with the relationship you have.

There are always hitches in every relationship. That’s given. What we can do is pave its road with simply the basics.  And somehow, love issues are trampled with a delightful smile.

Loving Both of You

There's been another man that I've needed and I've loved
But that doesn't mean I love you less

The lines above are just but simply lyrics of a song for me until today. A friend of mine is trapped in a similar situation. I was wedged into questioning if it’s really possible to fall in love (romantically) to two persons at the same time? The answer  I got from a friend was surprisingly unexpected. According to him, it is truly possible. That is his personal point of view. And while there is probably an element of truth to his view, mine is different.  If one loves two persons at the same time, that person either truly loves one of them while fooling the other or that person is completely fooling himself/herself.

I deem it necessary to dig a little deeper on what love really is.  According to Helen Fisher, an expert on the topic of love, experiencing love is of three partly overlapping stages: lust, attraction and attachment. Lust initiates an increased release of testosterone and estrogen triggered by a passionate sexual desire that rarely lasts for few weeks or months. When a commitment to an individual is formed, attraction comes in that temporarily lasts from one and a half to three years. Attachment is the more serious version of the first two stages.  Relationships born out of attachment usually last for many years and even decades. It is a bonding that promotes significant connection between  or among people. If we consider Helen fisher’s theory, the most important question one should ask when caught in a dilemma of loving two persons at the same time should be: WHICH STAGE ARE WE IN?  Because each stage signifies different analysis. One might end up realizing how fleeting feeling can be mistaken as true love.  Mind you, there are instances where a person suddenly gets attracted to another for various reasons while still in a committed relationship. But still the question will point again as to whether it is lust, attraction or attachment. I will leave the burden of analyzing your own situation to no one but yourself.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler give love its ideal meaning. In their book Life Lessons, love is considered as the opposite of fear, the core of creativity, the grace of power, the source of happiness and an intricate part of who we are. I know everyone agrees love is the source of happiness. If this is so, how can one say it is possible to love two persons at the same time? Let’s assign A to be in love with B and C. As far as A is concerned, the situation is good. But what about B and C? Would they really like A to love them both altogether?  Is there really love when one party is in deep gloom while the other is in teeming ecstasy? Well unless the three of them honestly accede to carry on the relationship. But even so, how long can anyone of them last? Would it not be so selfish for A to persist loving both B and C? If love is the opposite of fear, can B and C continue living a life of self-assurance? What can happen now to the words guarantee, confidence and security for them? I know how terribly hard it is to be in this condition. My conviction is this: if you can honestly say life is far better now having both of them, then it pays to be torn between two lovers.  But if you believe love is what gives our days their deep meaning and if it is what we are truly made of, then it pays to love with full responsibility to ourselves to others and to our God.

WHY I LOVE STAYING SINGLE

WHY I LOVE STAYING SINGLE

If you had been with friends complaining about marriage quandary, you’ll easily get discouraged getting onto the marrying thing. The current statistics of soaring broken marriages should not only serve as a warning but should supposedly cautions us to be more critical on deciding whether to tie those knots. But as significant as it is, to me, staying single doesn’t have to do with having fear over what I saw and experienced with some of my “once married friends”. After all, I am convinced that keeping on a married life is a matter of perspective and willpower.

Staying single, to me, is a choice to stay happy. Alright, alright, don’t start raising those eyebrows yet. Hear me out and confer me the privilege to justify my cause.

Guilt-Free Life is Beautiful
Yah I know. Being married doesn’t totally end your being free if you are lucky enough to marry a very sympathetic, considerate and tolerant partner because that partner will never tell you to stop staying late at night with friends. That partner will keep silent over your weekend escapades you have been used to. Neither will that partner prevent you from bringing friends over your place to keep those late night videoke sessions you have been accustomed to going nor would that partner be nagging you to stay home on weekends. That partner will not give you restrictions, but your CONSCIENCE will. And when that thing (if I may call it) starts to hit you, there’s no way to go but give in and sacrifice the freedom you have been enjoying freely.

Continuing A Single Life is Blissful

Have you thought of waking up in the middle of the night figuring how your meager pay check can survive your family sustenance for a month? What about your newly-born baby’s expensive formula, the monthly utility bills, the unexpected visits to doctors, the salary of “inday”, etc... The list can go on and on until you run out of sweat and blood starts to come out. If you ask me on that, my answer is simple. I will never live a life mastering financial budgeting. I want to live blissfully as much as possible. Of course life is colourful when there are challenges to hurdle. But I am never fascinated to ordeals that will put other people’s lives at stake. I cannot let the baby cry whole day while eagerly waiting for the generous “Bombay” to lend me money. I cannot continue promising “inday” to stretch her patience a bit more because she also has a family waiting for that P2500 I am obliged to give three weeks ago.

Staying single is a gift you can give to yourself and to others. Imagine how lucky your family and friends can become if you are “available” anytime because no one is holding you back from them. You need not have a significant partner to enjoy what life has to offer. All you need is the liberty to enjoy every little detail of your being single.

Thank you for hearing me out. Those are just two of my so many reasons of staying single. I could have written five or more but that might strain your eyes already, hehehe. At least now, you’ll have some grounds to stop bragging me give up my single-blessedness. Stay posted for my impending piece WHY I SHOULD GET MARRIED.