The Good Life is Built with Good Relationship

I should have written this ahead of my April 2015 blog entry (emphasis was on how to rekindle damaged relationships) because this could have paved the way to truly understand why we should repair broken yet “worthy” relationships.  Nevertheless, I believe both entries can actually stand on their own individually.

The title of this article is taken from the last statement of psychiatrist Robert Waldinger during his talk over TEDTalks which is a daily video podcast of the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world's leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less).

Robert  who happens to be the director of 75-year-old study on adult development  has unprecedented access to data on true happiness and satisfaction. He stressed that according to the study good relationships keep us healthier and happier.  The study further came up with 3 big lessons about relationships that I will try to connect to my own experience.

 

Lesson#1  Social connections are really good for us and loneliness kills.

About eight years ago when I was on the verge of my vertigo, I shut myself up inside the house for fear of having an attack outside if I continue to do my usual undertakings.  My regular routine for the whole day was either lying on my bed or sitting on the sofa while watching tv.  And I realized during those moments how lonely I was doing the same routine over and over again. 

There were moments when I wished my friends would be around so I could have people to talk to.  But they were all working and I was left with my neighborhood as my option.  But unfortunately, during that time I only had few people I knew inside the subdivision and they were also busy doing their things. 

And then finally, realizing I might lose my sanity over the huge amount of loneliness I felt, I decided to go home to my family in Surigao.  Over the whole course of my stay in Surigao, I realized how important it is to stay connected with our family and the friends we value most.

When I went back to Cebu, the first thing I did was to reach out for my neighbors and established new acquaintances which I must say helped me conquered my illness.

I find Robert Waldinger point very profound when he said: “It turns out that people who are more socially connected to family, to friends, to community, are happier, they're physically healthier, and they live longer than people who are less well connected. And the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic.”

Lesson #2  It’s the quality of our relationships that matters.

The quality of every relationship we get into matters most.  Any relationship that makes a life less meaningful does not deserve to be pampered.  Every relationship must be value-adding and not the other way around.  If a bond proves to be toxic or is already trying to bring us down, the only way to go is to put an end to that relationship.  We cannot allow toxic connections to pull us down.  They consume too much of our energy and make us susceptible to illnesses.

In fact, Robert Waldinger highlighted the above contention when he said:” it's not whether or not you're in a committed relationship, but it's the quality of your close relationships that matters. It turns out that living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health. High-conflict marriages, for example, without much affection, turn out to be very bad for our health, perhaps worse than getting divorced. And living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective.”

In the 75-year-old study on adult development, Robert’s team found out that:  “The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. And good, close relationships seem to buffer us from some of the slings and arrows of getting old. Our most happily partnered men and women reported, in their 80s, that on the days when they had more physical pain, their mood stayed just as happy. But the people who were in unhappy relationships, on the days when they reported more physical pain, it was magnified by more emotional pain.”

I have personally experienced friendships that were becoming noxious and so I had to end them right away.  But there were some, I have to admit, that were worth reconsidering. 

Lesson #3  Good relationships don’t just protect our bodies, they protect our brains too.

While we can truly agree that good relationships drive us away from potential illnesses, what they do to our brain astoundingly came as a surprise (at least to me).  They not just drive those cancer cells away but sharpen our memory cells as well.  This may seem a brilliant breakthrough for people afflicted with dementia or alzheimer's disease.  Anyway, we certainly cannot figure out exactly how valuable good relationships are to our brain but we can be certain that they truly contribute positive effects to that puzzling thing between our ears.

As far as lesson #3 is concerned, Robert Waldinger has this to say: “It turns out that being in a securely attached relationship to another person in your 80s is protective, that the people who are in relationships where they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need, those people's memories stay sharper longer. And the people in relationships where they feel they really can't count on the other one, those are the people who experience earlier memory decline. And those good relationships, they don't have to be smooth all the time. Some of our octogenarian couples could bicker with each other day in and day out, but as long as they felt that they could really count on the other when the going got tough, those arguments didn't take a toll on their memories.”

I’d like to end this post the way Robert Waldinger ended his speech with a quote from Mark Twain. 

                       "There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to                                account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that."