When Falling In Love Again Becomes Scary

When was the last time you have fallen in love?

My two-year relationship ended last 2009. And I have never fallen in love again since then.

My previous love affair was my first serious relationship.  It was one of the best times of my life until traumatic events occurred. My partner would surprisingly attempt to break up with me every time jealousy finds a way to him. And this happened at a time when my love for him was so enormous that losing him would seem the end of the world for me.  I would end up disturbed at home and during my office hours. I would find myself pleading him not to end our relationship. This happened around 5 to 6 times within the two-year partnership.

When the relationship ended, I felt relieved and thought I walked out with so much lessons learned--lessons I will be able to use with my next love affair. But the more I keep those lessons, the more  I am scared of ending up in a more traumatic relationship.  I kept wondering why after almost four years now, my interest of developing a serious liking to a prospect partner has diminished.  Could it be that I am now more critical of finding a partner? Or  Maybe the right person for me has not yet come. Or am I suffering from a more serious thing  which  author Richard B. Ross called Love Trauma Syndrome?

According to Richard B. Ross in his book  THE LOVE TRAUMA SYNDROME: FREE YOURSELF FROM THE PAIN OF A BROKEN HEART, a love trauma is the result of a perceived threat to a desired love relationship and that the greater the desire for the relationship to continue, the more severe the love trauma.  Richard Ross articulated that the more “in love” someone is, the greater the risk of a resulting love trauma syndrome if the relationship dissolves.

Two of the many symptoms of love trauma syndrome according to author Richard B. Ross would include expectation that future romantic relationships will end up in betrayal, disappointments, emotional pain or unhappiness and a diminished ability to experience loving feelings, fall in love; or a fear, apprehension, revulsion at the thought of falling in love.

In one of his articles Richard Ross stressed  that while some clinicians and researchers might still believe that love traumas lead to trivial conditions not worthy of attention by mental health resources  it  is in fact a potentially serious mental health condition that deserves increased attention. 

But while this scary thing may seem hard to heal, Richard Ross offers 10 easy  ways to recover from Love Trauma Syndrome. Here are his recommendations:

1. Recognize that romantic breakups can be traumatic and that your feeling devastated – even for a long time—is nothing to be ashamed of.

2. Do not wallow.  Commit to an active stance – exercise, go to museums, movies, try to have fun.

3. “Fake it till you make it”

4. Accept the wound – it will no tkill you.  Remember that Love Trauma Syndrome is a brain condition that takes time to heal.

5. Stop being upset about being so upset – it’s ok that you are upset.

6. Search for what you can learn from your experience – pull some victory from the defeat.

7. Resist the “psychological gravity” of your brain that generates urges to punish and seek revenge.

8. Do not withdraw from others -- maintain contacts with friends, relatives, acquaintances. Remain socially involved. Let some of them know that you're suffering.

9. Listen to popular music -- e.g. the radio is filled with songs that touch on almost every nuance of love trauma.  such "music therapy" can be cathartic and diminish your sense of isolation.

10. Live in the present.  Take up a recreational sport, such as biking or skiing, that requires your full attention and is able to shift your attention from your misery.. But don't do anything potentially dangerous -- remember that you might be more accident prone when you are sufferrng from Love Trauma Syndrome.  Be careful.

Richard Ross advises " If your depression and upset are pervasive and you are exhausted but still can't sleep, do not hesitate to seek help from a trained professional. Love Trauma Syndrome can be more serious than many people realize."

May we fall in love again and feel the magic every love brings!

Ibabao Christmas Sharing 2012

Stolen shot during the packing session

This year’s sharing of goods to our underprivileged brothers and sisters soared high unexpectedly.  Donors generously gave substantial amounts for the project to end up a success. I was actually only hoping to double the figure of last year’s recipients (120 households in 2011) but ended up a list of 290 households (initial listing was 270 but since there was still available funds, we added 20 more names) gladly receiving  3 kilos of rice, 3 cans of corned beef, 3 cans of sardines, 3 cans of beef loaf, a pack of bihon and half kilo of sugar.  We also raffled off 25 Christmas gifts of assorted table wares.

 This year’s distribution of goods also ended up with some donors taking time to personally hand down the Christmas gift to all our ever excited and ecstatic recipients. The whole afternoon of December 30, 2012 saw a lot of fun and gratitude from those taking home the goods.

But while 290 people walked home happily, some more 54 waited  to have their share of blessings. Unfortunately, they were not included in the list for reasons I considerately explained to them. I wish there were more bags of goodies for them.  

To all the donors who wanted their names withheld for reasons of anonymity, thank you very much for your extraordinary big-heartedness.  God will never be outdone with His generosity so expect loads of blessings this year. May we continue to bring smile to our destitute brothers and sisters in the years to come!

The ever excited and grateful recipients patiently waited for the distribution

Some of the recipients carrying their bags of Christmas goodies

Some friends volunteered to help during the packing session

The Joy of Sharing at Christmas

I am always fascinated at how Christmas season sparks off that snoozing yearning to share a little of what I have to those who are in need.  And this desire pushed me to initiate a Christmas sharing activity which I intend to continue for as long as I live.

I was thinking of setting aside Two thousand  Pesos ( Php 2,000.00)for a Christmas sharing plan.  With a limited funds, I intended to share my blessings to five people only each receiving 3kilos of rice, 3 cans of sardines, 3 cans of corned beef, 3 cans of beef loaf and 3 packs of noodles.

My next problem was to identify the recipients who are supposed to be the poorest of the poor in my community.  So I decided to personally went out with the aim to pinpoint the most destitute family in my neighborhood.  Surprisingly, as I rambled around,  it was so hard for me to find only 5 recipients because there were hundreds of them begging to be included in my list.

a recipient's house

Because I wanted to reach out to as many unfortunate brothers and sisters as possible, I decided to get in touch with some of my close friends here and abroad and ask them if they too would love to share some of their blessings to a number of destitute fellows during the Christmas season .  And quite a number of them willingly agreed to donate some cash and/or goodies which prompted me to finally start off the sharing activity I have in mind.

This activity started last December of 2010.  With the help of some generous friends, we were able to distribute goodies to 80 households. The following year was a great one. In December 2011 the number of recipients almost doubled as donors also grew in number.  We distributed rice, canned goods and assorted chocolates and candies  to 120 households.

December 2010 distribution

December 2010 goodies

December 2011 goodies

 waiting for their turns

Some of the recipients

December 2011 Distribution

 Each recipients’ smile is always a picture to behold.  The beam you get to see in their faces is a reminder we are fortunate in this world.  And even more fortunate not because we have more in life but because we take responsibility to share what we have.

This year might be just  as great. We hope to come up with a larger number of recipients and donors as well.

My sincere gratitude to my partners in this activity. God knows who you are. Let’s continue to be blessings to others.

Rubbing Off Stress

The best way I combat stress is pouring most of my time re-arranging my living room. When I shift my energy on uncovering that little hidden creativity, my stress finds a detour away from me and, surprisingly I come up with a more relaxing setting for that tête-à-tête with people close to my heart.

Re-arranging doesn't mean buying additional furnishings. It simply means relocating existing pieces to create a more dramatic and intimate effect. Color harmony plays a very important factor in achieving such a goal.

You can always switch back to your old arrangement anytime you want to. In my case, I always inject a little modification to an old set-up so it won't look exactly the same.

Lighting Up My Life

Appropriate lighting conveys a very peculiar significance in every home. And since we spend most of our relaxing time in our homes, putting up that minimal touch of lights could spell a great difference.

One effective way to treat your eyes with pleasure while at home is the use of lamps. Lamps do not just loosen up our senses after a day of hectic job deadlines but offer a pleasurable way as well to treat our guests as we Filipinos are known to be fond of receiving guests very often. Ambient lighting plays a very pleasurable importance in doing up every living room where we usually spend more time with our guests and family. 

Lamps are everywhere. We just need a sense of ingenuity to find the right one for our place. One important consideration when buying a lamp is to harmonize it to your existing set-up. If your interior conveys an Asian touch, go for lamps made of indigenous materials.  

Because lamps displayed at some stores are quite costly, I decided to create pieces that would suit my need at a lesser spending. My friends who frequently drop by my place ended up buying them. So my passion started to become a little business. I might finally put up a lamp shop if sales would soar high (hehehehe) who knows...

If interested, feel free to contact me. My lamps come in  very affordable amounts.

Dear Solitude,

I wonder why every encounter with you 
sets off something unusual beyond explanation.
Your presence ignites the inner yearnings
that have always been so uncertain. 
You remind me once again that life itself 
is sometimes as void as the longings
that are kept in the dimness of secrets.
Do you really mean to stimulate my sanity?
Or do you just come to remind me 
that if happiness is founded in material realm
the pleasure is as fleeting as our life's journey?
That if I live for the One who created both of us
I can truly call my life worth-lived?
If so, then don't only come as often as i want
but stay as long as you will 
then consume my whole being 
and grant me that debt of gratitude
that will become my wings when i fly home
when i leave everything behind
and meet the very Force that sends you to me.

Up Until Now

I chased for the things I thought mattered,

And found people hurting me in the end.

I pursued feelings I deemed pleasing

But got hold of myself wounded with the memories left.

I fancied for a  life full of excesses,

And found myself somber over the affluence I claimed mine.

Up until now I thought life is all about those I chased for

But alas it is in fact about the things that matter less in the world

Yet matter more in God’s eyes!

I played life by the character I thought I was

And ended up disgruntled over the performance I gave

I followed the role I felt was mine

And incessantly found the discontent that haunted me all along

I presumed I have to run after life so I can face the battle strong

And ended weary ,upset to find I can never outrun it.

Up until now I thought life is a play prepared and done

But alas it is in fact an unfinished piece to take part on

A work in process in God’s hand!