Loving Both of You

There's been another man that I've needed and I've loved
But that doesn't mean I love you less

The lines above are just but simply lyrics of a song for me until today. A friend of mine is trapped in a similar situation. I was wedged into questioning if it’s really possible to fall in love (romantically) to two persons at the same time? The answer  I got from a friend was surprisingly unexpected. According to him, it is truly possible. That is his personal point of view. And while there is probably an element of truth to his view, mine is different.  If one loves two persons at the same time, that person either truly loves one of them while fooling the other or that person is completely fooling himself/herself.

I deem it necessary to dig a little deeper on what love really is.  According to Helen Fisher, an expert on the topic of love, experiencing love is of three partly overlapping stages: lust, attraction and attachment. Lust initiates an increased release of testosterone and estrogen triggered by a passionate sexual desire that rarely lasts for few weeks or months. When a commitment to an individual is formed, attraction comes in that temporarily lasts from one and a half to three years. Attachment is the more serious version of the first two stages.  Relationships born out of attachment usually last for many years and even decades. It is a bonding that promotes significant connection between  or among people. If we consider Helen fisher’s theory, the most important question one should ask when caught in a dilemma of loving two persons at the same time should be: WHICH STAGE ARE WE IN?  Because each stage signifies different analysis. One might end up realizing how fleeting feeling can be mistaken as true love.  Mind you, there are instances where a person suddenly gets attracted to another for various reasons while still in a committed relationship. But still the question will point again as to whether it is lust, attraction or attachment. I will leave the burden of analyzing your own situation to no one but yourself.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler give love its ideal meaning. In their book Life Lessons, love is considered as the opposite of fear, the core of creativity, the grace of power, the source of happiness and an intricate part of who we are. I know everyone agrees love is the source of happiness. If this is so, how can one say it is possible to love two persons at the same time? Let’s assign A to be in love with B and C. As far as A is concerned, the situation is good. But what about B and C? Would they really like A to love them both altogether?  Is there really love when one party is in deep gloom while the other is in teeming ecstasy? Well unless the three of them honestly accede to carry on the relationship. But even so, how long can anyone of them last? Would it not be so selfish for A to persist loving both B and C? If love is the opposite of fear, can B and C continue living a life of self-assurance? What can happen now to the words guarantee, confidence and security for them? I know how terribly hard it is to be in this condition. My conviction is this: if you can honestly say life is far better now having both of them, then it pays to be torn between two lovers.  But if you believe love is what gives our days their deep meaning and if it is what we are truly made of, then it pays to love with full responsibility to ourselves to others and to our God.